indeed, it is essential to find another method of happiness. undeniably and truthfully, the one i am in knowledge of is not exactly beneficial. it is not in any means possible to claim that, at this stage, happiness stimulants such as the conditional well "being" of my job, of my academical status, of my relationship with my lover, and the minimization of my familial troubles, and the satisfaction of my carnal desires, and the dissatisfaction of my petty mental desires are adequate or promising.
they are not.
they never were.
and i, being one, however feeling none, have no power in my veins to right this wrong aimed at my one and only self. and this n(one) wonders what one has to do with this unending war taking place around one's self in this stage.
it ought not to be that arduous to perform the most estimable one can while, concurrently, treating the zeitgeist of one's mind realistically and authentically.
still, that does not happen.
still, chaos prevails.
because, still, voluntarily or involuntarily, one loses sight of the truth of one's self.
one embodies the state of indecisiveness.
although it is efficacious for the destruction of the unavoidably self-drawn blind curtain around the self of one, indecisiveness stemming from long term bewilderment is nothing but ignominy.
it eats one.
it demolishes one.
it slowly reduces one to none
.
at this ".", as "that" curtain shakes involuntarily, unsure to choose between wrapping itself around the self more tightly or ending itself with the self, sacrifice inevitably enters the stage. if one is to demolish the battalion of rotten indecisiveness in this war, one has to perform continuous sacrifices of self, intentionalized towards one's future-self. because, authentic self-sacrifice makes one real and contributes to the self. sacrifice reminds one of the might one unknowingly possesses. sacrifice extends a hand that is burning but genuine, exorcising that excess "n" in the one.
therefore, the inquiry is no longer about happiness. this is about survival. this is about the survival of one's self. this, sacrifice, is the method one must opt for if one is to survive authentically, instead of being reduced to (n)(o)one, instead of collapsing eternally.
indeed, happiness is no longer the inquiry of one. or mine. the essentiality is not in finding a method of happiness, but in survival. i do not want to know what happiness is. i want to survive. i want to be one, with the deeds i will unceasingly perform.
on this stage, this will happen. it will be made to happen. the curtains will not destroy me, but rise with me. and a real one will perform.
indeed.
only,
in deed.
05/11/2006.
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